from where i'm perched, life is crap shoot at best... a flip of the fl- fl- flamingo bird, so to speak, which is appropriate given my aviarian genetics. politics simply adds more muck to the proverbial pond, and one should never befowl what one swims in. "dislike one - dislike all" is my platitude about professional politicians. it's a world to be left in it own swallow - noble eagles have a higher calling.

but then i, hank, was insidiously (or surreptitiously... point in case - i didn't know any five-syllable words until this nomination and now, true to form for any politician, the idiomatic words are dribbling from my beak) added to the mayoral ballot for our faire town of lumby. so, what to do? and then came a request for my "platform" (presumptuous crapology) which is due to the townspeople on june 1... twenty seven days of skimming through the muck so i can tell my fans something they want to hear. for in truth, my platform is nothing more than a piece of quarter-inch of plywood, eight feet high in the large pine tree just west of woodrow lake.

i, hank, heard and responded to the patriotic call of duty. as requested by of our nation's leaders, i went to "the hill" and testified on environmental quagmires caused by the overuse of synthetic, artificially-colored plastics. although w had hoped for monosyllabic drool, i offered hawkish and wit-ladened repartee that awed the assembly. and then i returned home only to be confronted with the "penguin issue."

at first glace, it appeared to be a debate beneath me, the noblest of raptors, who flies above the debris of prattle. a mastery to stay focused on the substantive issues (as there are some who can't) is what distinguishes raptors from fowls, and eagles from overweight waddling tuxedos best served as savory appetizers to hungry orcas.

however, many in town look to me, hank, for guidance, and as my opinion matters to all, i felt obligated to flush fact from fart. but i am no fool - i know exactly who pays for my algae, so here are my facts on those flightless wobblers.

• the king penguin lives in london
  
• penguins either waddle on their feet or slide on their bellies
  
• when a male penguin is ready to mate, he stands with his back arched and makes a loud call, strutting about to attract a female
  
• during the breeding season, female penguins are identified by muddy footprints on their backs, left there by males suitors during mating
  
• penguins have been known to lay an egg or two
  
• macaroni penguins are carb addicts
  
• penguins overheat more often than they freeze
  
• when frustrated or excited, penguins moo, bleat, cackle, and have a two-toned bray
  
• some penguins are not sexually dimorphic
  
• once a penguin finds a mate, they usually stay together for years
  
• when chilled, penguins push their bodies against one another
  
• and finally, penguins are always stylishly dressed for black & white charity events
  

i, hank, have waited in breathless (which is easier done than said) obscurity for newsweek or people magazines to come knocking on my proverbial door. but the only offer thus far has been from an admirer who nominated me for town mayor – an idea worth pursuing come fall. but, heartwofor, i will interview myself - an autobiographical soliloquy of sorts.... hank on hank... because eagles can parlay among the best of them.

hank: word about town is that you were the anonymous benefactor of a sizable grant for lumby’s wilderness preserve.

hank: birds of prey need vast expanses of wilderness. is that how your feathers were torn - on a stealth capture of wild, dangerous quarry?

hank: the small rabbit was vicious, but so goes the life of a raptor. was it rabid?

hank: just a hare. but hunting white fur in the snow is blinding. i left my sunglasses down south. in wheatley?

hank: no, at the ranch in crawford. stood around the fireplace and chatted about the unfortunate events of the world with george and george who insisted on hearing my unedited opinion... they have since retracted their invitation for easter dinner. (a very long pause during which feathers ruffled.) returning to the clean air of lumby never felt so good. were you able to visit turino before hand?

hank: so much was written about my prowess on the ice - that my legs gave me an illegal advantage over apollo and the others – so i did what was best for our country and kept a low profile, away from the same cameras that sought me out during the trials. but vancouver will be different... it is in our backyard and my admirers will flock to the stadium to see me. is that why you were seen in front of lumby sporting goods this week?

hank: yes, sharpening the blades for sprints down on woodrow lake. but the weather will soon be warming, the ice will melt and i will once again take flight for spring hunting. so, you’re no longer a vegetarian?

hank: hunting weeds takes more patience and aptitude than it may appear. in a zen-like world, the triumph over a grizzly is no different than being victor over duckweed.